Mom life. It is literally the best thing to happen to me. Ever. I love my son more than I ever knew I could love anyone. I want everyone to experience this love that one has for another human being. I’m such the “cliché” mom and I am totally OK with that! I used to be so concerned about what people thought of me; how I dressed, what I said, ect. Now? I don’t give a shit because I have the best kid in the world. I would never go back in time or do anything differently to end up where I am with the family I have. Yet, there is still that nagging feeling that I could be more and that I want to do more.
Don’t get me wrong, being a mom is seriously the best feeling in the world. Don’t believe me? Read the first paragraph again. There isn’t enough words to describe how much I love my kid. When I’m with him, he’s all I want to focus on. But when I’m not with him, I also love it. I love being a teacher and thinking of all the things I can improve on in my classroom. I love the idea of changing my student’s lives. I love the idea of eventually going back to college and becoming a school psychologist. I love creating resources for Teachers Pay Teachers, helping other teachers while getting my own creativity out. But whenever I am with my son I can’t think of any of that stuff. It’s like I’m two different people.
I had this moment while walking into a training earlier this month that felt SO good. I felt like a leader. I was walking into a training to learn and relay information. Information that will be helpful to other people. I loved that feeling of going “above and beyond” and that felt like something I hadn’t felt in awhile. It felt like Me.
I love being that person. Being someone that people can rely on. Being someone that is knowledgeable and can give advice to others. Anything I do I fully immerse myself in it. When I was pregnant I researched everything and anything I could. I knew everything from the best diapers to the best developmentally appropriate whatever and whatnots. I wanted to share my knowledge of everything baby with all my friends who were then becoming pregnant. But now that my baby is a little older, that stuff isn’t really applicable anymore.
This is all a long-winded way of saying there are now two versions of me. I am a mom, and that is the BEST job in the world. It is hard, it is exhausting, but it is so, so rewarding. When I’m with my son, nothing else matters. But I am also a professional. Someone who actually enjoys what I do and loves to be knowledgeable and successful in my career. It’s crazy because when I’m with my son, all I want to do is be a stay-at-home mom and be with him all day. But when I’m at work I feel so powerful and important to so many people.
Why is it like this? Am I the only one? I feel so discombobulated so often. Obviously the person I was before having my son is no longer there, and I am ok with that. But why must I feel like I have two different personas? Neither personas are unhappy, but it’s exhausting to feel like two different people. Is there anything I can do to combine my two personas?
If anyone has any answers I would love to hear them. For now, I’ll have to end this with questions, because I don’t have any solutions yet. I’ll have to continue trying to figure it out.